Here’s my Beavis and Butthead review of the Stool Academy reunion (aside from the “whereas”): Whereas the Rock of Love 2 reunion sucked, the Stool Academy reunion ruled.
Or it ruled until it got embarassingly Springer, just like the finale: Think lie-detector tests, supposedly random women arriving to announce that they were pregnant after a romantic gas-station tryst with one of the stools and “what’s up now, bro??!” chest-thumping challenges of fisticuffs.
Jenna gets off some surprisingly entertaining jabs at the strangely uppity bitch single mom Christa, who has reunited with boyfriend, Tommy. Tommy proudly reports that he now has two jobs…unfortunately, Tommy was evidently much more faithful as a couch potato living off Christa’s child support than he is in his new bartending job. Several women evidently crowed on the VH-1 message boards that they partook of Tommy, detailing the disfiguring scars in the vicinity of his junk as proof that he’d been had. This is revealed in the lie detector test performed on stage (ewww, so embarassing).
Christa storms off screaming at Tommy that he can go back and live with his mom and he follows her, blustering “I didn’t cheat on you, baby!” until she slaps him. He reacts with the Incredible Hulklike behavior we witnessed on the show during the “put a bed together” challenge, hurling furniture and generally showing the craft service tables what for.
Wearing a MATSUFLEX t-shirt (Jenna wears one, too), Matsufeces showcases his newfound sensitivity and maturity running through the studio audience for high-fives after Jenna intimates that they finally fucked. Mega is very astute and TV-friendly putting Shawn down (if not a trifle dramatic), telling him “you are glass; I can see right through you and so can everyone here.”
Shawn sits between his “pretend” girlfriend (Jamie, I think?) and his “real” girlfriend, Aida, who has since dumped him, and watches as the skinny, pretty brunette with some Deliveranceish dental issues who, according to this ridiculous show, he impregnated at a gas station not long before arriving at Stool Academy. The host acts like he had no idea she was there, of course…ho hum. Why do I watch these things??
The winning couple reports that Josh hasn’t gone bowling in five months (a major relationship thorn, evidently), and that creepily gigantic dude who bragged that he had “trained” his girlfriend, Ashley, to be his slave announces that he and Ashley were engaged. That’s….gross.
Experience life-changing therapy AND life-threatening physical violence yourselves! Visit toolacademycasting.com! (Make sure you “appear younger than 30″ though. God forbid we let any women over 30 on TV, unless they’re being castigated by the Millionaire Matchmaker or Steve from Tough Love…review on that to come!)
The short bus gets shorter
So Farrah got sent home. I kind of liked her. She said about 9,000 times in her cute southern drawl what and who was laaaaaame, but I didn’t really get tired of it because she was pretty much always right. Those bitches are lame…Taya sucks the most, I think. Her drawn on eyebrows irritate me before she even opens her mouth…I’ve seen senile old ladies on the bus with better pencil jobs. And how many times can your Penthouse centerfold come up in conversation, for the love of God and everything holy?? Put a sock in it, you hag.
And Mindy, pfft. All that whining and getting dolled up in that trite and trashy leopard-print lingerie and doing icky Crap Michaels….so putrid. I liked Beverly after the first episode when she took on the “blondtourage” but she has been crazy, whiny and lame ever since. Three kids? Why are you here, seriously?
And then there’s some new chick still here for some reason, even though she admits in her interview with psychology experts Heather and Amber from Rock of Love 1 and 2 that she wouldn’t be interested in Bret if he hadn’t been in Poison. At least she’s honest, I guess.
Ashley’s relentless ass-kissing and strategizing was super annoying but she did do some of the most entertaining commentary. Her “baby daddy,” who she lives with in Vegas, came to the show to ruin her chances for short bus love (maybe he didn’t want to be saddled with the kid while Ashley was off making bullshit publicity appearances pretending to be Crap Michaels’ girlfriend. Who could blame him?), charmingly telling Heather and Amber “nobody pulls my bitch.”
So a bewildered and angry Ashley is cut along with pugnacious, mentally challenged psycho Brittanya (don’t hit me if we ever meet, Brittanya..you were like totally the hottest!) . Ashley sniffs “Good luck” to Crap trying to have any fun with those laaaame girls: “They talked about cereal for three hours yesterday. Three hours! Are you f–king kidding me??”
I have to agree. The show is going to suck without them now. Unless someone finally punches Taya. I’ve got my money on Beverly…but not much.
I kind of love money
I would like to update you on what’s going on with this show but I can’t, and I don’t think anyone cares. The backstabbing and alliance formation and dissolution have been dizzying since Tailor Made managed to rally his fellow untethered losers to band together as a viable force to combat Frank “The Entertainer”’s “empire” (as Frank actually calls it). The dismissal of Heat (I think it’s Heat…I always get him confused with another squat, dim-witted contender with spiky hair) was soaked with tears and booze…pretty entertaining. And Becky Buckwyld continues to gun for her own show, I’m guessing. Maybe she and Frank — who are the show’s latest sickening coupling — think that a two-for-one deal will finally snag them their own reality series. They could call it “The Entertainer Gets Buckwild.” Or however she spells it…eff you, it’s a better name than “Daisy of Love.” Where is that show? Maybe they’re waiting to air it until they think of a better name. As well they should.
I’m going to waste my life watching the new one in a few minutes. Even though I never get around to writing about them, I would like to recommend some reality tv that is actually good, believe it or not: Ru Paul’s Drag Race and Toddlers & Tiaras, on A&E, I believe. Check that shit out, is my eloquent, expert recommendation. You are welcome.
Also check back for some thrilling commentary on Tough Love, as I already promised. Misogyny or painful reality? (it’s kinda both.)
