Friday Offensive

Greetings, jerkoffs! Happy Friday. God, I don’t miss hearing that, being unemployed…but anyhoo, I wanted to report that Dave bought me the rad new Ivan Brunetti book,
Ho! The Morally Questionable Cartoons of Ivan Brunetti. If you’re not familiar with this awesome self-loathing, suicidal misanthrope, Publishers Weekly called this collection of one-panel gags a “festival of self-loathing, sexual depravity and brutal cynicism” (but also clever and incisive).

One of my favorites has two people standing over someone who has just committed suicide; one laughs as he reads the suicide note and says “Haha, he misspelled ‘despondent’!” One of Dave’s favorites is a guy who shoots a woman in the head and says “Now you look sexy, whore.” You kind of have to read Brunetti for yourself to understand his genius. I would go further than saying “nothing is sacred” in his work and say that nothing is tolerated in Brunetti’s world. He skewers the hypocrisy, cruelty and weakness in people but it doesn’t appear that Brunetti loathes humanity nearly as much as he loathes himself. Check it out! Funny stuff!

Speaking of funny stuff, Nat sent me this story, or rant, by Lindy West of The Stranger. I laughed but also thought, why am I not getting paid to gripe and whine about people, god. But that’s life. I wrote a similar kind of bitch-fest in February, for free, of course, on der facebook. So in keeping with the frugality of these hard times and to console to myself that even if I can’t get paid to rant, I can at least widen the audience for my rants by recycling an old facebook “note” and posting it on my damn blog. Take that, world!

–begin recycled facebook “content”–

Friday, February 13, 2009 at 12:06pm | Edit Note | Delete

Happy Friday, fellow losers. I’m making up my own damn facebook bullshitting list, how do you like that, bored teenagers!? I told Tamara the other day that I was considering making up a list of things that annoy me and posting it on facebook and asked her to talk me out of it. She said no, do it!!! So I called her an enabler and here we are.

THINGS THAT INSPIRE MY CONTEMPT

1. Men on scooters
I suppose I will exclude Vespas in this, although I would question whether a guy who rides one spends more time on his hair than I do. I’m sure they’re zippy and convenient, but there is no bigger boner-kill than a man riding a small wannabe motorcycle with a little basket attached. Sorry.

2. The songs “Oye Como Va” and “Black Magic Woman”
I just hate them so much. I never want to hear them again.

3. People who fill the back windows of their cars with stuffed animals
Why do you do that? Don’t you need to see out of that window? Are you trying to entertain the small children you encounter on the road? Or do you actually imagine that your dusty, sun-faded toys cheer other adults driving by you?

3. People who declare something they hear is offensive before figuring out why (if they ever figure it out)
It amazes and disgusts me when people are like “Wait, can I say the word ‘Indian’?” like the context is somehow irrelevant. I worked at this politically progressive site for teen girls years ago when the movie “The Mexican” came out. In this editorial meeting, a few editors kind of hesitatingly expressed concern that the title was racist. One said “I don’t know about that title… it just strikes me as offensive…” And another, bless her, said “If the movie was called ‘The German’ would you still think it was offensive?”

It also makes me think of walking behind two Mexican guys from Napa while attending San Francisco State University. They were laughing about how they were referred to as “Latinos” there, never Mexican, and how dumb that was. Also makes me think of this funny scene in “The Office” where Michael asks Oscar, “So is there a term I should call you other than ‘Mexican’…? Something less offensive?”

The latest I’ve heard from the Sensitivity Squad is that the term “white trash” is offensive. On behalf of the white trash in the world, please go ahead and say it with my blessing. We really don’t care, but thanks for your concern.

4. The earnest clipboard holders who pester me for money and my email address while standing outside grocery stores
No, I don’t have a minute to help save the environment, and could you think of a more annoying way to ask me to stop and listen to you? Why don’t you stop lying that it’s only going to take a minute of my time and that I won’t be inundated with your stupid squawking emails for the rest of my life if I break down and write you a check?

5. Those “sex-positive” “activists” that act like they invented sex, that no one else has ever heard of anal or dildos and therefore need their sassy sex advice and their “Bad Girls’ Guide to Making You Puke” or whatever the fuck… and that talking about masturbating all the time makes them really sexy.
You know who has sex, besides you? Everybody. Shut up. No one wants to hear about your favorite vibrator or how many fingers (or hands) you can shove up your ass. Shut it.

6. People who act like eating meat makes you a carefree and fun person and that vegans invariably are humorless prigs
I’m probably 500 times funnier than you are, you fucking fuck, so fuck you.

7. The notion that sarcasm is a refuge for the weak and a cheap form of humor
Or whatever the fuck they say. A world without sarcasm is one I wouldn’t want to live in, let me tell you. What is wrong with pointing out the absurdity of our lives? Are we supposed to pretend we all have important work to do on Earth, and therefore ironic comments cheapen this foolish idea?

I think I said to friend recently, what would life be like if we were never sarcastic?? “Oh hello, how are you today? What a lovely day today is!” “Oh yes, it is a lovely day, isn’t it? Mercy.” “Well, I’m going to get into my car and drive somewhere now. Bye!” “Nice exchanging pleasantries with you!” (Am I over-dramatizing?)

Maybe I’ll stop at 7. 7! 7 rants, muwahhahaaha! …Bizarrely, I’m having trouble coming up with more.

I realize that people are suffering everywhere. Fifty people just died in a plane crash, joblessness has skyrocketed, as is the suicide rate, I believe…so if my superficial griping offends anyone, please accept my apology. But writing this has kept me from shopping online for a while so thanks.
–end recycled facebook content–

More fun with craigslist crackpots

Blogger Needed (Part Time)
Reply to: job-ztnwz-1115628846@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
Date: 2009-04-10, 1:58AM PDT

Part time blogger needed to discuss screenplay/novel/audio book of the same sci-fi/fantasy story, writers must be fluent English speakers and able to write articles with 100% perfect grammar and spelling. In addition the writer should be able to inject personality and flavor into the post, writer must be familiar with the story by listening to the audio or reading the book. Writer works from the comfort of their homes at their own time 3 times a week and must blog in popular social blogging sites. A report must be provided at the end of each monthly cycle. Please submit resume or short sample of writing.

* Compensation: Three Times A week, 1 Hour each session for $10/Hour ($120/Month).
* This is a part-time job.

What is this, seriously? How many times could one person conceivably blog about the same sci-fi-fantasy (shudder) story? I saw another job listing today looking for someone to write entire e-books and instructional manuals based on “a skeleton of an idea” found in “large, unorganized Word docs” for $12/hr. And they asked for a one-paragraph writing sample explaining how newspapers could remain relevant in the digital age. You know what, instructional manual person and the rest of you shits trying to hire writers and editors at slave wages because of the shitty economy? Fuck you. And shame on you. But why am I cursing you? You’ll get what you pay for. See you on the unemployment line.