Thank God for AA

A very stool-y wedding
Well, seemingly in an effort to increase my shame for liking this show, Stool Academy ended its first season with an embarassing Springerlike wedding. Oof. Dave had delivered this impassioned monologue explaining why Matsuflex would win the grand stool prize. And that guy was surely motivated, my god. Dollar signs gleamed in his eyes in every interview in which he bragged of the incredible progress he had made in the last week or so. Dave felt that the show would want to shock viewers with a less expected win for its villain (or second-in-command villain after Shawn) rather than crown Josh “Mr. Awesome.”

But Josh, the “Tiny Tool” prevailed, and I won $5 from Dave for predicting his triumph. Hurray for cigarette money! Then the show dove headlong into a bucket of sensationalistic sleaze and put the winning couple on the spot (relatively) to get married on the show. In attendance were Ashley’s dad and I think Josh’s mom and aunt or something. And of course the Stool Academy host and therapist. So romantic.

This show was a strange combination of campy skuzziness, reality show intrigue and petty squabbling and exploration of real psychological issues of the contestants. It was gratifying that Matsuflex was not rewarded for his very careful exploitation of the game and that they identified his self-absorption as unfitting for the winner of the title “Mr. Awesome.”

The curiously coiffed Shawn, who all closet Stool Academy fans love to hate, reveals during “Parents’ Weekend” that his materialism stems from having been poor as a kid. The guy is a big jerkoff to be sure, but it’s hard not to have some compassion for a guy who once lived in a car with his mom and has supported her for much of his life.

And poor Ashley: In her therapy session she says that she wakes up every day feeling like she’s not good enough for her mom (who makes no appearance on the show). Josh’s dad left the family when he was young, and the therapist has him draw out his anger at his dad by yelling at her. She totally taunts him, saying that she (playing the role of Josh’s father) never wanted him and doesn’t need Josh in his life…it’s…kind of creepy, but maybe this is what therapy is like. I wouldn’t know.

I missed the opportunity last week to snark about Shawn’s dismissal from the Academy, where Matsuturd and Tiny Tool taunt him from the safety of a balcony, Tiny Tool telling him his girlfriend is a hooker. The ejected only “real” couple, as Shawn says, run inside for a fun confrontation, shouting insults and threats at Tiny Tool (Dave said he thinks “faggot” was bleeped out of a shout at Tiny Tool), who folds his skinny arms a safe distance behind one of the show’s large production guys.

Hurray! We have all learned so much about ourselves!

Give it up to God
I am not a religious person, not a spiritual person. Anti-religion pretty much, although I have always thought that atheism was a trifle arrogant. I cannot assert that I know the unknowable, although at least once a day some putrid thing I see or read makes me think “There is no god. Jesus.”

So the God-y aspect of Alcoholics Anonymous has always turned me off. It has always annoyed me that people turn to God when they have nowhere else to go. I’ve always thought that religion is a crutch for people who are scared and hopeless rather than a true love of “Him.”

But in terms of AA, I’ve been having a change of heart recently. It has helped a lot of people. Hearing more about it lately, I can’t dismiss it like I once did. I can see how striving to rid yourself of the self-pity and self-loathing that makes people abuse drugs and alcohol is a positive thing. Ditto for the tenets of being part of a community and helping others, focusing less on yourself.

Although they’re careful to never actually mention AA, Celebrity Rehab Sober House drips with its philosophy. They refer to “the program” often, Andy Dick “makes amends”…this is all AA. Maybe this was obvious to everyone but me, but I’m just saying that this aspect of the show is veering more toward positive than negative to me now.

The finale begins with a tough scene with a surly Steven Adler telling his loved ones to fuck off and insisting that he’d rather go back to jail than have to discuss his sobriety any further. I feel sorry for his wife, who Steven gripes to the rehab tech whose name I’m forgetting that he will probably divorce her. Testing positive for pot, Steven elects to go back to detox.

Amber searches frantically for an apartment. I really hope she’s ok. I worry that living alone or with her mother griping endlessly will make her pop pills again. Or that some douchebag she goes out with will try to ply with substances hoping for an easier lay. Dave shook his head the other day and said “everyone relapses.” It’s depressing to think about.

The show totally renovated and redecorated Rodney King’s house so he didn’t have to return to utter squalor and could start running a sober living facility. I hope it’s successful. Dave told me that Mary Carey just finished shooting a porno movie called something like “Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Screw,” which made me really, really sad. Really sad.

I don’t want to run through the cast making judgments on who I predict will be most able to stay sober. I know people google themselves and despite the shit I write here, I don’t want to hinder anyone’s chances with any negativity. It’s a serious thing, a lifelong thing.

So whether they can get behind the God thing or not, I hope AA can help these people. Dave told me this great story of a guy he met in a hospital once, who said of AA, “Yeah, it’s brainwashing, but your brain be dirty, maybe it could use some washin’!”

Amen, brother.